November 28, 2007

sittin' here with my mama, eating an oyster po' boy sandwich and making fun of all the manufactured drama on the dr. phil show. what is UP with that dude?

the strongest woman i know tires easily. she is aging. though her strength is more potent, it is much less visible to the naked eye. she is the leaves out in the yard; the flowers in the vase; the sunshine through the windows; the water in the glass.

what does this have to do with "slut energy theory"?

well, my four women - sophie, lorna, u'dean and tulsa - all have mamas. as young girls, neither believes she has the mother they want. as older women, each realizes they had exactly the mother they needed. in between, they all learn to mother themselves.

when my sister describes our mother, her description does not match the mother i know. we share 5 brothers and there is a 6-year difference in our ages. and while i could go into all the sloppy-crazy-ridiculous stuff that our intense sister-love is composed of, all i know is that it often feels like we live on two separate planets.

but the four women in "slut energy theory" have the same thing in common that my sister and i do: the viewpoint of our body image was formed, not by nurturing attention, feedback and information from female family members, but from messages both covert and overt from males in our family, in our neighborhood and even complete strangers on the street. messages that implied the sole purpose of having breasts was not to nourish babies, but to attract men. to lure them to us, tempt them, please them. if we are to believe men, the main purpose of a vagina is not for birthin' babies, but for receiving a man's penis.

and so on and so on.

the questions these two considerations alone raise are many and disturbing.
a few of them are: what do little girls do when this viewpoint is thrust upon them? what did it do to me? to my sister? our mother? our grandmothers?

November 23, 2007

why a blog?

because i had a dream last night that went like this:

i was at an outdoor concert hall. it looked just like an indoor concert hall - theater seating, plush chairs, carpet, wooden stage, walls - but there was no ceiling. the entire place was crawling with people whom i seemed to intuit were very creative and spent their lives indulging and growing from their creativity. they wore their hair naturally and seemed to be dressed in natural clothing - no high heels or makeup, no chemically altered hair, no nail polish or anything like that. it seemed we were all there to celebrate each other's creative contribution to the universe.

it was very crowded and some dancers were getting ready to perform onstage. i saw a place to sit that seemed to be reserved for me. there were no signs and no one told me to sit there, but there was space around the seat and somehow i knew i was supposed to sit in that seat. just as i was sitting down, an announcer nearby said, "and now, ladies and gentlemen, rene marie."

though i hadn't expected to be called, i didn't feel surprised by the announcement and as i made my way to the stage, people started applauding. also, while walking toward the stage area, i heard someone playing the beginning chords of a song which indicated to me that that was the song i was supposed to sing. the name of the song was "Come Ye Disconsolate" (which i first heard roberta flack and donny hathaway sing when i was a teenager. though i considered myself an atheist, i used to go to church just so i could sing it in front of other people, accompanying myself on the piano).

i sat at the piano - whose keyboard was concave like the inside of a steel drum and so far away that i had to completely extend my arms to play it - and began playing the introduction to 'Come Ye Disconsolate'. but before i could even begin singing, people in the audience began making all these audible affirmations, saying "uh-huh" or "that's right" or "play it, girl" and some were humming along in anticipation. this felt incredibly warm and supportive and as i started singing, my voice was drowned out by the number of people who were singing along with me. their voices were so loud, i couldn't even tell if i was singing in the right key or not!! i was startled by it at first, then felt full of joy.

it was at that point that i began levitating - piano and all - above the heads of everyone in the concert hall and floated on outside. instead of floating along with no direction, my piano and i seemed to be taking a definite path; and even though i felt very far away by now - the equivalent of 3-5 city blocks - the voices of everyone at the concert hall continued singing along quite clearly and loudly, though i still could not hear my own voice. it was as though i was floating on their voices, that THAT'S what was carrying me.

still floating, we met (wait. ok. i just referred to my piano and me as "we"! what the ...?!?) ok, i'm back. yeah, i guess, "we" met people who seemed to be in various stages of distress; some were crying, some were reaching out to me, some were shuffling along sadly. by this time, the piano was gone, i was still floating, but not above anyone's head at this point. now i seemed to float just right beside them; my hands reaching out to touch their heads. it seemed to be their heads that needed my touch. i touched and massaged the heads of these people who appeared to be in distress. one woman in particular seemed to be especially needy and i was massaging her head with what now seems to have been a lot of force, passionately using both hands. as i massaged her head, she was holding onto my hands, looking, not a me, but straight ahead. almost as though she wasn't even aware of my being right there, as though i were invisible.

then i woke up.

so i thought about it all day. and the main points from the dream seemed to be:

1. i have a lot of support for what i'm doing and am about to do

2. there is a path for me to take in this; i just need to trust it and keep moving forward on it.

3. what i'm working on will prove to be a healing for a lot of folks.

i ain't gonna lie. working on this project has been hard as hell. what happens is, i'll cruise along quite nicely for a while, then come to a stuttering halt. other times, it's a screeching halt. either way, i just stop.

but, y'all, i need to finish this one-woman show, this Slut Energy Theory. i've got all the pieces together, but working on this alone as i do, it's proving to be a lot harder - and lonelier - than i thought it would be. when i'm writing a song for my band to play, i bounce things off of them - the key, the melody, the tempo, the rhythms. but i don't want anybody else's fingerprints on my girls, so to speak. that means i gotta work alone. but just because i work alone, doesn't mean i have to BE alone.

so, i'm starting this blog in an effort to bring you into my creative process, to reach out to you in the early morning hours or late at night or whenever i feel stuck. whoever you are, you're taking the time to read this and i appreciate it.

don't know what i'm gonna say from one day to the next.

don't know what progress will be made.

at the very least, i can keep you updated as to where i am in the process, even if where i am is stuck in a ditch somewhere.

i can mention some of the obstacles that continue to arise for me.

i can share with you some of the discoveries made along the way in this slut energy experiment.

and i can thank you for your attention and feedback.

holla ~
rene